Four Months In....

It really has been a few months since I last posted here.  I hadn 't written enough posts to get into the habit of it with my 'Confessions of an Only Parent'. These things happen. It's like anything; and it takes at least a few weeks to make a routine of anything- whether it's exercise, eating healthy, starting a new job, being comfortable in a relationship-or in my case writing here.
-Oh wait- I had probably been trying to get a good routine going of all of those things- so I was too busy to write. But that's OK cause I'm back! You knew I would be. For example: Just when I had the routine down of actually having someone in my life and really looking forward to where things might go with us- it ended. Yep, that's right, the sweet guy who came in to visit me for coffee at work? The sweet dark haired guitar playing Irish man who was just about as perfect as I could imagine for myself- yeah! Him. The guy who already has kids and doesn't want any more-so took care of it (which I thought was perfect). Him. Just ended it with me- needs to see who else is out there before he can be willing or able to commit. I guess he got freaked out. I was taking it so slow too- I knew he wasn't in a rush, and neither was I, but maybe I was too gentle.
I thought things were going well. But, I guess he wasn't trying to go anywhere at all with it. Thought I was looking for more than I was? Didn't want to commit? Well, whatever it was, it REALLY hurt!  I have been in quite a state for the past 7 days. So, I've decided to write.
The best thing you can do when you have a broken heart is create. All of the best songwriters and artists do come up with their best work when they are in a state of sadness. So instead of begging for him to realize he probably wasn't thinking clearly- I just have to let him go. There have been so many thoughts going through my head over the past week. I've thought of moving, getting a new job, jumping in front of a moving vehicle, and drinking myself to the point of passing out. I have exercised more and given myself a mini detox- which was good. I may have lost about five pounds- I feel alright, but I am still very sad.

You see, he was beginning to be the break in my daily routine. We were making time for each other. He was a man who wasn't afraid to come over and visit me when I was just hanging out at home with my girl. I was starting to feel very comfortable having good conversation with him and just being myself- or listening to him, as he had a lot to say as well. Someone I was feeling very safe with that I didn't think would pull the rug out from under me. I could see us becoming really close. Was I dreaming? Did I paint a picture of him in my mind that wasn't even reality? Perhaps. Although, I think his feelings changed quickly in the past few weeks-I've heard all this before.
So it's easier than I thought to just ignore my aching heart and keep going. But, it does make for a lot of silence. Silence is good though. It is healing and I am going to take this time to understand and not hate on myself too much- but to better myself. I realize I still have a few things to work on and so now that I have a little more time again that is what I am going to do. Just work on myself.

It's harder to put yourself first when you have children. I almost forget how. So, that is my next step. With this empty heart of mine- I am plunging forward and looking after my home, my responsibilities, and my daughter- and Me- that is Me. Like me or not. Pretty simple really, but I will survive. I've got it in me. He is right, "there is an ocean of people to meet out there" and I'm sure I won't be lonely forever. I wanted him- and still do, but truthfully he is not ready for me. That's all. I guess this is a perfect feeling to go into the Spring with.   I have plenty of catching up to do here and I will be updating all of my lists soon.


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