Do not let go of your dreams -Make them your plans

The dreams that keep coming back to you are powerful.

I have openly found myself in a constant tug of war with my work life vs my life in the last year. A feeling I hate and cannot ignore and have to say is something that I have had to deal with a few times or really most of my life in many different forms.  It's time to change it up again and start getting serious about what is meaningful to me and acting on it. As much as I would like to think it's not important what you do for a living as long as you enjoy your life outside of work and are bringing home the bacon. The other, stronger, more stubborn part of me says you have to do what you love and make it WORK for you and if not then your life is a fragment.

Being well in to the New Year now, an always ceremonious time for a Capricorn like me, and having already celebrated my New Year Birthday, one might not imagine the lists I've written so far.  I have spent the past 20 days really trying to work out a reoccurring cycle that I have been faced with-that I really need to concentrate. I have been working on more shit than ever over the last couple years with regards to my own energy and picking up where I left off somewhere 10 or 20 years back. Do you realize we throw away half of our dreams in life? Have you ever gone back and decided to pick up something you had an interest to master in your 20's when you were young and then just let it go?  In this I have been working toward changing my energy, changing my way of thought, being more positive and looking on the bright side, listening to my thoughts my inner voice, using essential oils and exercise and yoga have been huge in helping me feel stronger and more focused- all of this stuff I have been working with since I was a young adult. Knowing that I have the tools but I need to sharpen them, haven't given them enough use and realizing I need to go back to what I really had more interest in- right now!!  I never had the energy to commit to go to the gym -even though I've tried and done it- but now I am much more serious in taking care of my health.

The ego doesn't want to admit you are not happy
 Now here I am 41-years-old. Basically a divorced widow, a retired waitress who is now too over the hill to have the patience to run around for people all day and put up with too much shit from hungry, thirsty people and really I just want to clean my own house and make my own meals...... I don't mean to sound selfish or hard on myself or anyone who does it for a living- but honestly!!!! Really I'm just saying I have to pay attention to the real me-  Thinking these half true thoughts of myself does piss me off.  I don't want to admit it. I don't want to ----NO my ego doesn't want to admit that I've wasted my life! But, guess what? I told my teacher in Grade 8 I was going to be a journalist- I did not say I wanted to work in restaurants for the rest of my life. I haven't published those books yet. A job I know I want has been constantly coming back to me. I didn't come here to work at the Mayor's restaurant - or the next spot or the spot after that. I came there to meet some people that inspire me, yes, but I didn't want to finish my life with being a "good waitress" as my claim to fame.  I have written a few stories for the newspapers, yes. And over the years I have taken training in speaking and oh I was always really good and telling everyone the specials so everyone could hear me..... I sometimes would think - "Oh my Annunciation Techniques classes really came in handy for large groups," and it really did.... And I'm not complaining about the money- it was good! Better than small town writing, that's for sure, unfortunately....Most of the time- except a lot of the time when it wasn't. It was the people I could actually go up and talk to knowing they were ready to buy and I was going to fill their bellies with warm, rich food..... Oh ya, saving the world one belly at a time! That is not how I wish to end my day's. I had bigger dreams than that. No offense to all my Industry friends- but for me I have just been putting a band-aid over my wounds and surviving. Finally I think I have healed from the rocky road of my thirties which at the time, I thought I was doing alright with but all the turbulence and hard things that I actually had to deal with for several years did numb me.  I really do feel that now.  I think I have actually come out on the other end and have pretty much healed from and learned to move on. 

So, I woke up this morning, a few weeks before I was ready to "publish" this and before I really started thinking about the day ahead of me and started writing this out.  On this morning, which was a the morning of January 8, 2018, I woke up having thoughts of my mom, ---I was thinking about my mom who had passed away the end of January 2008.  What did I feel? What were my thoughts? Well, I was just having some weird kind of dream. A dream I don't know the actual jist of. I only know I have naturally been paying more attention to the messages just before I wake up these days...  I recall that dream took place somewhere extravagant and fast paced. It involved dressing up and lots of people. When I woke up I looked around my room a bit and I just started thinking of  my mom. I started thinking of things and feelings from our relationship. She always worried about me, I tried to convince her I knew what I was doing- she saw through it. I was her youngest. She always would secretly think I could do better. I knew it too-She was right! I always thought she could do better too though...I refused to act on what she suggested most of the time. I always had to figure it out for myself-just a bit stubborn always marching to the beat of Maria's drum. As I was waking up, I came across memories of my mom always encouraging me to write. To keep on writing because she knew I always felt a hugely inspired by life when I was writing-letters, journals, thoughts, lists, reports, you name it.... I was writing it.  My mom, Anna, died at the age of 68. She was happy, content and doing what she loved-she had a hard road and certainly I can stand here saying she is probably the strongest woman I ever met. I think she had learned to forgive herself and enjoy each day, and for that I am grateful and at peace with her energy and thoughts. That was it. Then my thoughts drifted and I got up. Almost forgot about my morning thought and the dream.

After about half n hour on this morning a which was a major snow stormy kinda Monday (my favourite!) Especially when the day was basically cancelled. Thankfully I didn't have to rush of to my meaningless job that I no longer had and there was so much snow that  Emily got to sleep in instead of going back to school after Christmas break. And it was me trying to get used to "working from home" which is not easy when your boss is still working out the glitches- and yes I'm the boss and I'm pretty laid back so it isn't easy setting up a schedule.  So in to the first half hour of my coffee time I sat down to my social media break, which I normally engage in, in my quest for yesterdays news and FB updates if I'm starting the day off right!

I came across a few of my friends pages who had shared Oprah Winfrey's outstanding electrifying speech after receiving the Cecil B. de Mille Award at the Golden Globes on Sunday night. Wow! I was so impressed I had to watch it over and I took notes. Fucking Awesome!! I was so proud of Oprah! Felt overwhelming gratitude to be a woman who has grown up in this age.... So proud that this woman standing up and reminding women to "Speak your Truth," because it's the most powerful tool we have. If you want a recap of that speech click on the link below in case you missed it. Some people didn't watch it. I can't even imagine why you wouldn't want to watch it.

Oprah's amazing speech

I dreamed this energy before I woke up. I didn't know it but I was meant to watch the speech. My unconscious mind knew I would come across this message before I did- there was so much energy given off by this mass wave of power that I actually received it before I was aware of it. And that was why I thought of my mother. While watching, I realized it was going to be largely analyzed and decided to leave it alone, but I kept coming back to that inspiring moment in Oprah's life- hell I don't even really keep track of her but I really do like her.  I did find it hugely inspiring as a woman and a journalist, and a waitress and a mom.
I'll tell you, I have been riding through the age of Capricorn, since my little birthday earlier this month, the "paying attention to my self "stage. We are actually in a powerful zodiac area right now and if I read my horoscope correctly everything is being repeated from like 10 years ago so I have to say I can really feel this in my own life and its really powerful. Oprah is right. She stayed on track. That is why she won that award that night and she damn well earned it! She has changed many lives and inspired many people. We are strong and we can write our story. I prefer to write my own story. Not blame others for my misfortunes but learn from "my failures" or quitting/retiring whatever you call them-achievements...  I have become very sensitive to people and life since I started working on this and it will probably get stronger. I know there are many out there who work on this energy level as well, some call us empaths. It's important to be true to yourself and recognize it. I am very grateful for all my inspirations and I have a large list- I have really started taking back and openly owning all of the lessons I have gotten out of my adult life- now at 40-I mean um, you do the math,  I'm ready to take on my fears or dreams I put to rest or didn't let myself do when I wanted to when I was young.

Today I woke up- as I do most mornings, sort of riding out the last dream.... This mornings dream was something of a grocery store and a amusement ride of sorts.... My ex was there- he has passed also almost 10 years ago also in 2008- That was quite the year- (the horoscope did promise to be easier on me this time around)..... In the dream we were getting along fine-It was almost like we were watching a Shakespeare play- (huh funny, our daughter is reading Romeo and Juliet in school).  When I was with him in the dream it seemed as nothing was wrong. We were very normal- I think we were sort of partners or maybe thinking about getting back together, discussing getting out of there- whatever it was a dream- then he was gone and then all of a sudden one of his friends took his place but now we were walking through a big station or warehouse or grocery store market train station, and I was walking with and telling the friend that I would never get back together with the ex and that I was content to leave it at that and it was the way it is and I have no regrets..... No idea why I had this dream but it was sort of a forgiveness feel, as I am analyzing it a few hours later- It kind of ties up this blog post even though I did already forgive him for disappearing without a fight. But, that was his choice and I had no idea it was happening to him and how could I help him when he couldn't help himself. I chose to save my daughter and myself.

Today is the 10 year anniversary of when my mom didn't get to wake up. The night before I had a nice phone chat with her and she told me she was proud of me, I let her believe I was happy and doing well, I was in a relationship and had this sales job....I'm still pissed at myself for not making it to our last family Christmas- that job was so horrible and my boss at the time was so nasty. I was actually really struggling at that time and had just learned to stop complaining at the time. I obviously didn't want to worry my mom because she had just recovered from a stroke. But, just around that time I realized actually everything was a big mess, she was right I needed to look at my finances I needed to get on top of my life, my ex had left me in a mess- basically had to spend my 30's figuring it all out and recovering from it all....
I didn't actually realize it was time to smarten up until I didn't have my mom to check in with anymore and it hit me hard but I never gave up- only got stronger still.
I returned from my mother's funeral and a few weeks after going and holding her hand and being able to say good bye to her not even thinking too much about everything that I was hiding.....She could only hear me, I like to think.  It was only when I returned from that time and was faced with the next phase- quit my job got rid of the relationship and not only until I started picking up the pieces after the two main losses of my life- finding forgiveness for all of us and learning and continuing to grow from the journey of life but one thing I did at that time was give up on writing- I decided to take the easier road and do something that I already knew I was good at.... because I had no option. Child to raise -we had to survive....After that I went through year's of writer's block.  I didn't have time or the concentration to figure out anymore than to go to work. It took ten years of wishing for something a bit different before I realized I can just make it happen-  So, In the words of all the women before us- I think we need to listen to our hearts and take care of ourselves. Do what we are passionate about. Be healthy. Figure out our blocks.... teach and help and love others. Be a voice and Trust the process.

I think that as women we still have a long way to go. Speak your truth ladies surround yourself with nice people and don't settle for anything less. Think your truth and live it. Peace and Love.
Maria